Ambition

The other day, I woke up a different person. Or, the same person, but a better same person.

Lately, Stef and I have been watching a TV show called How I Met Your Mother. The show's about a group of friends in their late 20's and early 30's, and their career and social exploits in Manhattan. One of the characters, Marshall, is just like me. He's tall, he's monogamous, he loves Star Wars, he's very passionate about silly things--he's basically me. With each new episode that we watch, we learn of another aspect in which Marshall and I are exactly alike. Other than the fact that he's a lawyer who passed the bar exam, we're basically the same person.

When I was a kid, I wanted to be a lawyer. My mother and uncles are attorneys, and my cousins soon will be. Even though I had little to no direction before my mission, and even though I studied both music and computer science, I still hoped to one day become a lawyer. After my mission, my direction changed. I knew that I loved learning languages. It's something I'm good at, and there's something extremely rewarding about cracking the codes that other cultures use to communicate. I got my BA in Linguistics at BYU, and moved out to Japan to study Japanese.

In the 11 months that I've been here, I've stressed about future plans, unsure whether a four-year degree in a non-techical field plus fluency in two other languages would be enough to land me a good job upon returning to the 'States. Stef has stood by my side, trying to be patient while I continue on without a concrete idea of what awaits us in a year or two.

Watching Marshall on How I Met Your Mother has awakened a desire to have a plan. When I woke up the other day, I started thinking about law school. I know I'd be capable of completing law school and passing the bar. I have the mental capacity and I can have the drive if it's what I really desire. As I researched the bar exam, I suddenly felt regret for not having studied calculous. My degree didn't require any math classes, so I didn't take any. Out of the blue, I had a strong desire to learn calculous. I want to learn it so that I can understand how the wind blows, how the planets orbit, and how the world around me works.

I want to learn more languages. I want to learn programming languages like C++, Perl, and various server-side scripting languages. I want to get in shape. I want to practice piano and write music. There's so much that I want to do that it's overwhelming. I'm not comfortable with the idea of returning home to the U.S. and working retail for the rest of my life. I decided that I need to go back to school.

I'm not yet sure exactly what I want to study. I love teaching, and I love the idea of having time and opportunities to research and learn for the rest of my life. As of now, my plan is to try to get into the linguistics Master's program at BYU, with the eventual goal of getting a doctorate in something so that I can teach at the university or community college level. This gives me a goal to work toward--something that will push me and force me to grow.

Ever since I graduated, I told myself that I didn't want to go back to school. I hated having to juggle a full-time job with school and a family, while many of the kids I was competing with academically had none of those cares. I doubt my ability to get into a Master's program with a 3.28 GPA. My biggest fear, however, has been the idea of going into debt for school. My bank job paid for my undergraduate tuition, so I left college debt-free. I hate the idea of going into debt for something that may not end up being my career. I might not work as a linguist.

Fear, however, can't be the reason I don't pursue more education. If I have a concrete plan to become a professor, there's no reason why I can't achieve it. I know that the job market is crummy right now. But I'm confident in my ability to learn and grow and make myself into an ideal candidate for teaching positions. I don't care if it's a cliche; I'm capable of anything I want to accomplish.

The problem that remains is my ambition. Part of me still wonders about law school. Part of me wonders if I should try for an MBA. I was a very valuable employee at the bank, and I think I might do well in the business world. But would that allow me to continue my education for the rest of my life?

In How I Met Your Mother, Marshall's largest dilemma is the fact that his dream job is to be an attorney fighting for the conservation of wildlife, but has to settle as a lawyer for Goliath National Bank, where his friend works. It offers a much higher salary and allows him to pay off his debt.

Yeah, I admit it's a little silly that my ambition is springing from my love of a character in a TV sitcom. Silly or not, it's nice to have some goals to work toward--even if I still don't know exactly what I'm going to do. Hopefully, that knowledge will come later.